A few small successes motivated me to keep going. I was convinced that I was finally on the right path. But then it happened…the rejections that I thought were buried forever crept up from a murky depth. I had to accept that this path had given me all that it could, and I was still in survival mode. I took a deep, quiet breath, and accepted that it was time to move on…to start again...again. But where? How? Once again, my critics gave me the insight I needed, and I chose to accept it and redirect my passion. Fear, doubt, embarrassment — they had all become my close companions on this journey. I decided it was time to expand my horizons, and off I went, yet again; the ghosts of my insecurities following close behind. My confidence slowly returned as I found acceptance amongst those around me. But then just as life starting to look somewhat promising, the bottom dropped out. One of my mentors said something that horrified me. “How could I let this happen?” I panicked. I had become something other than what I planned, and this time it was completely within my realm of control. I was simply following my heart, yet somehow I ended up here.
I needed to calm myself, so I went for a walk amongst nature, my eternal companion, mentor and sage. I distracted myself by studying the autumn leaves, much like I did when I was a little girl. Lost in a world of immense detail and curiosity as to how nature can create so many diverse colors with a simple changing of the season. How the end of a life cycle is actually a time for rest so that life can return anew. Nature has an endless palette with which to paint, and she always creates a spectacular piece of art. She never mourns the loss, because she knows that it is necessary for something beyond survival — thriving.
Tears filled my eyes as I thought about what I was about to face. Yet another time when I had to change directions. I was beyond distraught. I didn’t believe that I had any more perseverance to give, but I had to in order to get where I wanted to be in this life. I considered the metamorphosis of the changing seasons, and my grief transformed into acceptance, and even a bit of hope. I recomposed the message of my mentor in my mind to blend with nature’s wisdom. The result was uplifting. I realized that for the first time in many years, I was being shown that I was finally on the right path. That, like nature, I have an infinite palette of colors with which to paint and ultimately express my self. This was not a time to mourn, but a time to rest and prepare myself for an unexpected journey.
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